Friday, May 13, 2005

Praise Be To Dog! It's A Stupid Miracle!

Previously on Poor Impulse Control, I opined:

My many admirers bring news from far and near: the older gentleman who knocked on my door and permitted me the simple pleasure of assisting him at a difficult moment was reported missing three weeks ago. I stand at my living room window in the late afternoon glow, surveying the lovely new leaves on the city's trees, and as hope wanes I wish I knew where oh where he could be.

Paulie calls from the train to New York. He sounds thrilled and he is.

Paulie: Did you hear he was found?
Tata: NO!
Paulie: Yeah, and he's alive!
Tata: WHAT?
Paulie: Yeah, the cops found him wandering around disoriented and took him to the hospital!
Tata: NO!
Paulie: Yeah, after a few weeks they figured out he was a veteran and shipped him off to the VA hospital!
Tata: WHAT?
Paulie: Yeah, exactly what you said must've happened!

It is? It is! That's why the scenario sounds so familiar! I worked this out weeks ago in my tiny little mind. Now, the fun part.

Tata: You're saying the police picked up an old, old man on the streets of New Brunswick, took him to the hospital, filled out some paperwork and forgot about him, and when he was reported missing, the police, still not remembering, went to both hospitals, asked about any mysterious old, old men, and the hospital couldn't see him either, and then the hospital in question, forgetting that the police were looking for an old, old man nobody could identify, shipped him off to a VA hospital when he did the one thing he can be counted upon to do, which is talk about World War II, and I said this to you weeks ago?
Paulie: Yeah yeah, that's exactly what happened.
Tata: Damn it! People aren't supposed to be as stupid in real life as they are in my head!
Paulie: To their credit, the police found a distressed person before he was dead in the fountain. Though...they don't go around the corner and look at the missing poster they put up?
Tata: Got me! For all we know New Brunswick's full of milk carton kids.

I'm offering a new service. For an exhorbitant fee, I will figure out who the stupid party must be in your New Brunswick missing persons scenario. Hope the check clears because I've got a fine fucking head start...


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