Sunday, September 11, 2005

Oranges Poranges - Who Says?

Tata: You will NEVER guess what happened!
Daria: I get so nervous when you say that.
Tata: So Siobhan and I went to Home Depot and spent my vast fortune on a four different paints and glaze and wooden blinds I sort of semi-like for the bedroom and if you can believe it the guy in the Blinds Department actually told me he didn't think I could install them myself. I went all like, "Dude, I am well acquainted with the use of measuring tape and what's with the negative when I Can Do It And You Can Help?"
Daria: No! He told you he doubted you could do it?
Tata: Right. I immediately doubled in size. So of course I had a coupon and even so I spent $200 which as you know never, ever happens.
Daria: You had one of those 10% off coupons?
Tata: You know it. So Siobhan and I stuff our major purchases into the back of her Ford Exterminator and head for the new apartment. On the way, we stop at the Dunkin' Donuts on Route 18 because we're looking at a long night of work. Siobhan orders a coffee with about thirty syllables and jogs for the ladies room. I ask for a smaller, less complicated version of the same thing. The people behind the counter regard me suspiciously. Suddenly this really young guy who looks like he just beamed over from the set of The Entourage throws open the door behind me, runs to the counter, grabs an awkward handful of sugar packets and spins toward the door again. He stops, says over his shoulder, "I'll just have this," and runs out the door. I laughed and said to the counter people, "You guys must have some great stories." And then I was their new best friend!
Daria: Things just happen because you're there to see them.
Tata: Yup. So Siobhan and I drove over to the new apartment and I jumped out and with my dislocated left wrist I was going to grab all the bags and boxes and scoot those into the house while Siobhan scoured the countryside for a parking space.
Daria: You were going to carry $200 worth of stuff, plus a coupon?
Tata: Remember: I doubled in size and was still growling.
Daria: I forgot. Silly me.
Tata: So I go to the back of the truck and grab the door handle and yank it open. I am burly! And a one-gallon can of Ralph Lauren Paint launches from the pile of stuff, lands on my right foot, opens up and spills all over the road in front of my apartment!
Daria: NO!
Tata: YES! Stop laughing! So I'm jumping up and down in a huge and spreading puddle of orange paint we're planning to use in a two-step process to recreate Tuscany in my kitchen and Siobhan runs around to see what happened, stops short and stares for while I'm yelping, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Siobhan stares. I'm jumping and yelping.
Daria: Is your foot totally broken?
Tata: It's twice its size but it's not actually broken.
Daria: Does it have little purple dots on the bottom?
Tata: I'll let you know when I've scrubbed off all the paint. So, this went on for about two years before I realized Siobhan might not be breathing and I'd better do something.
Daria: What'd you do?
Tata: I wiped my orange feet on the grass, took my $180 plus a coupon-worth of purchases into the apartment and when I got back I ordered her to go park the truck. She'd stood up the mostly empty can. I taped off the hallway so I could paint it a nice, warm beige-like tone that reminds me of a fringed suede jacket on a handsome man. She applied every remaining drop of paint to the kitchen wall and then I realized it was the exact same Emergency Orange we'd applied to Paulie Gonzalez's bedroom walls! Only Ralph Lauren doesn't call it "Traffic Cone Orange" or "This Is Not A Deer But Your Drinking Buddy Billy Ray." It's got a sophisticated name like "Trouser Crease" or "Driver, Anything But the Long Island Expressway."

Daria's husband Tyler wants in on the hooting. so I hear him over the dull roar of the children asking what happened.

Daria: She dropped a can of paint on her foot and it spilled all over the street. And it was orange!
Tyler: That'll teach her to buy orange paint!
Daria: He says that'll teach you to buy orange paint!
Tata: A lot he knows! I have to go buy more!


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