Destroy Everything You Touch

Mitsuo does not find me funny. This development in my workplace vexes me to no end.

Tata: Nothing I do makes him laugh! What's his problem?
John: This really bothers you, doesn't it?
Tata: My new orthodontist is deeply insecure. He tightens my braces and I laugh. He says, "What do I do that's so funny?"
John: Did you tell him you crush souls like his before breakfast?
Tata: He's too young to toy with. Anyway, I explain for the tenth time laughing at other people is bad juju but one's own antics are fair game. They love me at the orthodontist's office.
John: Your teeth are ticklish? What's too young?
Tata: Sure. After a second divorce a man's known despair. That man worships me properly.
John: What about ex-wives? Don't they worry you?
Tata: Where's the threat?
John: They're competition.
Tata: No. They're simply other people. But that's not very important. Something's is wrong with Mitsuo!
John: What do you mean?
Tata: Testosterone weirdness is coming off him in waves. He thinks about chopping you into pieces and worse - he doesn't find me funny!
John: I'll...uh...hide anything sharp and quiz him with a rubber chicken. From a safe distance.

Every morning, I stumble into my office at the university, set up the coffee machine and do half an hour of stand up for my early morning co-workers. By the time I've said, "Thank you! Try the veal peccata!" the coffee's ready. My office fills by 9:30. By 9:35, the coffee pot's empty. Usually, someone gets a bright idea and makes another but sometimes, the slackers slack. I shoosh shoosh shoosh, Morticia Addams-like, into the middle of the office, pinkies up.

Tata: Whose turn is it to make Me coffee?
Gerda: Oh. My. God! Can I? Oh please?
Tata: You break My heart. Could I deny you this joy?
Chuan: I bought the coffee. Does that count?
Tata: Yes, dearest. I may openly weep!

Then the whole office has a fresh pot of coffee. My selfishness is really in everyone's best interest. We all want that.

Tata: Mitsuo, did you make Me coffee?
Mitsuo: I made coffee, You can have some.
Tata: Dahhhhhhhhhhling, I know My happiness is most important -
Mitsuo: To you.
Tata: Tut tut! You'll get the hang of making Me happy.

Perturbed, I consult Siobhan.

Tata: This may sound crazy but my co-worked is not, you know, thinking of My needs.
Siobhan: What? What's the matter with him?
Tata: He's like 23, right? She who is over 30 is irrelevant and over 40 is a burden. One day, Lupe asked him where he got his polo shirt and he said Brooks Brothers. I shouted at him, "Lie and say KMart!"
Siobhan: Sometimes people don't like us. We're not flavored to their taste.
Tata: I'm sure that's true. But we're talking about Me.

It's possible Mitsuo may be immune to Me. It's happened before...twice, I think. But that means it could happen again, in theory. I suppose. We'll know for certain if the chicken goes tits-up.