Watch Out For Signs That Say "Hidden Driveway"

Miss Sasha called me at work yesterday.

Miss Sasha: I'm calling everyone I love. I love you, Mommy!
Tata: I love you, too, sweetheart. Whatcha doing?
Miss Sasha: My half-brother wants me to teach him how to make creme brulee.
Tata: As that would require you two to be in the same state and a blow torch, I hope you wait until he's old enough to vote himself Prom Queen. I'm glad we had this little chat! Must get back to destroying the dreams of publishers everywhere, darling!
Miss Sasha: I love you!
Tata: I love you, too!

Having a daughter in her mid-twenties can be a revelation a minute. In the days before I stood in my gynecologist's office and demanded at the tops of my lungs he excise my internal organs, birth control pills and contraptions were the bane of my existence. When they weren't saving my life they were trying to kill me. Or undoing years of electrolysis. Thus, I pay attention when I see commercials for new pills and contraptions. The new Nuva Ring ads are all floaty and rhymy. Good for them! I'd love to celebrate plastic hula hoops around millions of cervixes with iambic pentameter. Even better: we've gone Eighties Retro Trendy with new pill formulation Yaz, and that is, like, awesome! I can't wait for the next advance in pregnancy prevention: the Flock Of Seagulls Method, where lissome young women are encouraged to try coupling with Ex-Gay Success Stories. Listen, ladies: his sad tale of loneliness and rejection and love of hair care products may say Yes but his secret desire for your brother says No! No! No!

Mary is planning a birthday party for her soon-to-be six-year-old, whom she calls the Divine One. I often see photos of the Divine One in imaginative color- and texture combos, my favorite of which included an indoor motorcycle helmet and a feather boa. Plainly, she has a tremendous future in women's couture. Or NASCAR. There's no stopping a modern gal like the Divine One! Mary emailed me when she remembered I knew a costume-loving, ballet-dancing, bodybuilding yoga teacher who moonlights with kids. I made them talk to one another.

Mary: Thanks for connecting me with the fairy.
Tata: Absolutely! I can't wait to see photographs of this event. You realize you're describing a kiddie rave, which is like bolting on training wheels until you spike the punch.
Mary: I'll have to get those neon necklaces and bracelets! She designed her cake too. "It will have a sea horse, whale and dolphin and some other fishes too." Last year we had an old man in the fishing boat - it's what guys get on the cake when they retire. The lady at the bakery kept trying to talk me out of it and push Nemo. I kept telling her that wasn't what we wanted. When we went to pick the cake up all the ladies at the bakery couldn't wait to meet the kid who wanted the fisherman cake. It really does pay to keep them away from tv - I love the stuff she comes up with!
Tata: Maybe your kid just does things in a different order. First, she retires. Second, she has a mid-life crisis. Third, she marries a trophy wife... Watch out, if you see Miata brochures.

Someone's going to get an education.