This Blank Stare And That Don't Carry

My brother Todd forwards a NJ news article his friends sent him because if Todd should get a hankering to move back he'd better be well-informed on the state of partying in the Garden State, and don't worry. I am already deeply horrified that I've used the word party as a verb before the cocktail hour.

Nearly 50 teenagers, many of them believed to be students at Union Catholic High School in Scotch Plains, are facing charges of underage drinking following a Saturday night party in Mountainside busted by local police. Charges were also lodged against the 51-year-old father of the teen throwing the party. Police found Stefan Puzyk upstairs in his bedroom while the beer was flowing from a keg in the garage and the teens were doing shots of Jagermeister, said Capt. Richard Osieja.

"I guess he didn't care what was going on downstairs," Osieja said, adding that the garage was stocked with assorted hard liquor.

School officials declined to comment on the incident, which involved boys and girls. Christy Guerra, a spokeswoman for the Archdiocese of Newark, said officials were aware of the incident, but "because it happened off campus and on non-school hours, we can't make a comment at this time."

Oooooooh! Everybody's in troub-le!

According to neighbors, Puzyk's wife died several months ago. He lives at the Wood Valley Road home with his five sons; the teen attending Union Catholic may be the youngest, neighbors said. Puzyk, who was charged with allowing the serving of alcoholic beverages to minors, faces upward of a $500 fine and a maximum 30 days in jail, Osieja said.

Well, not so much, then. It gets better.

Police were summoned to the home after complaints from neighbors about the growing number of kids congregating at the house. When officers arrived shortly be fore 10 p.m., some of the teens were able to flee. But because many of them were congregating around the garage, police corralled them, holding them at the house until each one was identified and re leased to the custody of their parents, Osieja said. With home addresses in Union, Scotch Plains, Hillside, Edison, Woodbridge and Plainfield, police believe many of the teens were classmates at Union Catholic, Osieja said. While no charges were filed that night, borough police intend to pursue charges against those attending, Osieja said, noting that the teens face fines and a possible loss of driving privileges.

Todd can't decide whether to pass out pony bottles or order these kids off his lawn.

Todd: It's a different world and I, for one, am glad I came up during another era!
Tata: Except for their lack of a flight instinct, those kids would make excellent Jesuits.
Todd: No kidding, "COPS! RUN!"
Tata: It was a different world. And we were motivated not to explain anything to Mom...
Todd: Come on, now. I think she could appreciate the intricacies of fleeing from the law. Maybe not the reasons for fleeing from the law.
Tata: Right. She was happier when we successfully eluded capture. That's a survival skill, you know.
Todd: She was happier when she didn't know we were eluding capture. She was supposed to be here today, except she forgot to call me and let me know what she was doing. Have you talked to her lately?
Tata: Wait - what? You misplaced Mom?
Todd: I have not misplaced Mom per se. O.K., I...misplaced Mom. I talked to her on Saturday night as she was sitting down to dinner with Aunt Bea and Uncle Peter. I asked her if she was coming and she said that there was stuff to talk about. It's Wednesday now.

Most people would panic. I dial Daria's number because I sense an antic in the offing and leave this message: "Call me back IMMEDIATELY.'

Section 3. He shall from time to time give to the Congress information of the state of the union, and recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient; he may, on extraordinary occasions, convene both Houses, or either of them, and in case of disagreement between them, with respect to the time of adjournment, he may adjourn them to such time as he shall think proper; he shall receive ambassadors and other public ministers; he shall take care that the laws be faithfully executed, and shall commission all the officers of the United States.

Section 4. The President, Vice President and all civil officers of the United States, shall be removed from office on impeachment for, and conviction of, treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors.

Before you ask: no, I do not at all care about underage drinking. Ninety minutes later, Daria calls back. I am already laughing.

Daria: What's your emergency, damn it!
Tata: I called Mom because this morning Todd was like, "So, um, where's Mom?" and I'm all like, "You misplaced Mom?" and he's all, "No. Yup."
Daria: Today's the fifteenth and she was supposed to land.
Tata: Even though he lives at the end of the runway, LAX is still a two-hour drive. So I told her, "Say, Mom, Todd's all like, 'Mummy! Oh, Mummy! Will you complete strangers hold my ethereally beautiful infants while I attempt to determine if their Grandma's trying on the wind sock?'"
Daria: What did she say?
Tata: "When did Todd become Hugh Grant?" and "Thank you for making that funny," and "What was your name again?" That's three of her usual Top Forty Hits. I feel bad for Todd.
Daria: See, your big mistake is thinking that if Mom said she was going to Los Angeles that she was actually going.
Tata: This is like when Dad used to say he was coming to visit from three states away and an hour after he was supposed to show up he'd call and say he was both jumping out of airplanes and up to his elbows in puff pastry.
Daria: Neither one of them is destination-oriented.
Tata: Our parents are crackpots, aren't they?

Maybe they'll buy us beer.

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