Friday, April 06, 2007

Friday Cow Blogging: Spaghetti-YAH!

I'm home now but Tuesday, I was still at Dad's and Darla's house in Virginia. The day was warm and sunlit. Because I was Phone Monitor and fending off callers of all types, I'd accumulated techno-debris. Moving from place to place became complicated. So I held still in the sun and typed smutty email to a handsome man, which was just funny.

At some point, I looked up the driveway and saw something odd through the trees. The mooing of cows in the pasture in front of me took on a peculiar nagging quality. I called to Darla, working on her laptop on the living room floor.

Tata: Hey Darla, want to see something weird?
Darla: Always. Whatcha got?
Tata: Um, are those cows outside the lines?

Indeed, I would've freaked about then but a week before, Daria had found a cow loitering on the driveway, so of course she called her husband in New Jersey.

Daria: Tyler, there's a cow on the driveway. What do I do?
Tyler: What's it doing?
Daria: Chewing. I can't get home.
Tyler: The cow is between you and the house?
Daria: Yah huh!
Tyler: It's not going to hurt you. It's a cow.

Daria edged the van closer and the cow ignored her. She inched closer still. The cow slipped under the barbed wire and disappeared through the trees, leaving those of us unaccustomed to ways most bovine with the impression that a random cow in the driveway has got places to go and cud to chew. Darla, who lives in the house surrounded by cow pastures and paths, was not interested in cows outside the lines and returned to her laptop. I was sure, however, something was up, and up something was. Within a few minutes, a sizable number of cows stood at an intersection in the driveway. And then they started walking toward me.

Tata: Hey, Darla! The cows are coming.
Darla: I'll get a camera.

The driveway's long and winding and parts are obscured from view by trees. Plainly visible from our vantage point on the front steps were the calves. As the cows walked down the driveway toward the house, calves and cows inside the barbed wire and electric fence walked along, mooing madly, because cows tell on one another. Oh yes, they absolutely do. And cows don't just have arguments - which they do - they know their voices attract the attention of attendant humans, so when there's a lot of mooing, someone will show up with a flatbed.

Tuesday afternoon, cows headed for the house and I was entirely amused until they crossed the PVC bridge supposed to deter them from coming over for picnic lunches. Cows don't like unstable surfaces so the pipe bridge should make them turn around but these cows were especially clever and walked around it.

My jobs at the house as Dad lay dying were Cat Wrangler (in charge of keeping cats happy, fed and out of Dad's hair) and Phone Monitor (keeping interlopers from interloping) and I figured This here is the intersection between pet care and border patrol. Rock on. So with Darla snapping away behind me, I got up and walked toward the cows without the first clue what might happen.

Cheese it! It's the cops!

Turns out cows are scared of Jersey chicks. I came around the trees and said, "Hey gals, whatcha doin'?" Nine giant animals that could have crushed my skull with one hoof spun around and skedaddled up the driveway. That was a surprise. When I stood up, I had no idea the girl gang would go without a rumble. I'm going to add Cowgirl to my resume.

I'm purty.

During the month we ran a household and cared for Daddy, Darla, Daria and I didn't always get a shower every day. We reported this to Dad.

Daria: We have a game called I Am the Cleanest Of the House.
Dara: I shower before school every day so I am always The First Cleanest.
Daria: Right now, I Am the Cleanest Of the House but yesterday -
Tata: I was the Cleanest Of the House until Darla showered.
Dad: I'm out of this game, right?
Daria: And you smell fine.
Tata: I, however, cannot bear to smell me and must fix that immediately. I will shower two days in a row! I'm mad, mad with cleaning power!
Daria: She's going to be a bitch about this until someone else gets the title.

Obviously, that wasn't Tuesday, since I chased cows up the driveway in pajamas. An exciting footnote: to the right of me is the spot where I first saw cows outside the lines, and I hoped they'd slide through the fence. Instead, all nine cows turned left and went up the neighbors' driveway. So. When the neighbors came home, they found cows on the lawn.



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