The Man Inside the Child

Part One
A certain amount of odd communication is fairly standard.

Sharkey: Our friend Ray's cover band is playing at the bar tonight and you should leave your house. He is the only straight man who ever wrote a song about me.
Tata: Hilarious. What time?
Sharkey: I'll find out.
Tata: Huh. I'll probably go. What's the name of the band?
Sharkey: RayC/DC.
Tata: This has potential, and by potential I mean I'd be disappointed if we didn't spit beer a few times.

And:

Daria: Tyler and I are starting NutriSystem and there's just one thing. I've looked all through the information and I don't see -
Tata: A wine list?

Pretty much anywhere, you can see low-level clashes of language use and expectation. This morning, I got an email ad from my favorite online lingerie store - free shipping! - but the subject line made me flinch - Last chance to order for Father's Day. Some women are wives; presumably this ad was meant for them and not for incest enthusiasts. But I digress.

There's an old couples counseling game that involves Spouse 1 making a point and Spouse 2 repeating that point back without acting on homicidal urges. Secretaries do something similar when they take phone numbers and repeat them back to confirm that, yes, what was said was heard because often, let's face it, what was said wasn't heard at all. You can observe this phenomenon in your own environment.

You: If you finish your homework, you can join the Foreign Legion before dinner.
Your Kid: MOM! Dad said we're going out for flan!
Your Wife: You're right, I should take bossanova lessons...

My life moves at a more leisurely pace than most people's so I can ignore other people for a good long time before anyone notices.

Person: Didn't you say you'd meet me at such-and-such place?
Tata: I didn't. You said I would. I thought your imaginary friend would wear a cute imaginary ensemble and arrive ten minutes late. The real Me would've been a third wheel.

Listening is one thing but hearing and understanding are quite another when we can't agree on what words mean. A month ago, I had a bizarre conversation I didn't understand until last Tuesday. Yes, I'm a slow learner. Shut up. To sum up: I asked what my friend was doing over and over for several weeks. My friend repeated three magical words, "You're not listening." Of course, I was listening. I was listening to every word and understanding less and less as time passed. On Tuesday, I realized the magic words "You're not listening" actually meant "You're not obeying me." Well, I could draw you a diagram of how this communication went awry, but I'd have to start before the beginning, at the unspoken expectation that people know what we want and are simply denying it to us, and it would still end with my blurting, "What the fuck is going on here?" because obedience is not on the list of things friends should expect.

Balancing this brain-rattling confusion is an almost equal confidence in my evidently singular ability to look shit up. It's not that hard, really. If I don't know what something means, I open a dictionary. It's my favorite book and has better character development than the Bible. But even this skill won't help you understand what's being said in a time when writers of whatever skill level grind an axe. Perversion of simple word meanings has become a hallmark of our sad age; a shining example: Steve Gilliard was not a bigot, no matter who says so, how often or how loudly. (I won't link to the accusing douchebag - I trust the meaning of that word is clear. You can Google, if you must.) Let's open our dictionary, shall we?

Main Entry: big·ot
Pronunciation: 'bi-g&t
Function: noun
Etymology: French, hypocrite, bigot
: a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance

The devoted to his...opinions aspect of the definition, if it described Steve, is not enough to paint him with this brush. No. It doesn't work that way. Use of the word includes hatred and intolerance and the racial or ethnic group connotation is not optional. It is intrinsic to the meaning of the word bigot. We can't from here jete blithely to He couldn't tolerate my opinion, therefore he was a bigot. I'm sorry, son. Language may be a virus, but few of us are Typhoid Mary. Neither is Jesus' General a misogynist, and throwing that idea around in a snit is a shitty thing to do and a sign that someone hasn't opened a dictionary recently.

Could I be a better listener? Certainly. Could I speak more clearly? Not without sodium pentathol, no. I speak and write to be understood - not in code or riddles. It is exhausting to try and quitting is unthinkable. You see my failures to communicate every day.

Part Two