Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Stumble, You Might Fall

It's not often you see stone crazy self-loathing and bona fide eeeeeevil homophobia in one creepy package, but this one is starting to ooze.
'God Hates Fags' pastor blames gays, judges for Saturday church fire

Oh. This pasty fucker. Again.
"No doubt the work of fags or fag sympathizers," Rev. Fred Phelps said in a recent YouTube message of the Saturday morning fire that broke out at Westboro Baptist Church.

"This is the latest in a long line of criminal acts perpetrated against us by the mean-spirited citizens of this evil, hellbound nation." Also to blame, according to Phelps, are "unfaithful, oath-breaking judges," law enforcement, the media and the "filthy, fag-riddled military" in a perceived declaration of "open season" on Westboro and its property.

"Shame on you, black-robed monsters," Phelps tells the aforementioned members of the judiciary, "you are going to Hell."

While earlier reports estimated damages to Westboro property at $10,000, Phelps himself put the figure as high as $30,000.

You're thinking to yourself, 'Self, nobody could be that believe that shit, right? That guy's gotta be doing some utterly righteous performance art.' Well, get a load of these traumatized people who're watching their church burn down and their first thought is far from Christian love.

But wait, these terrible people are so terrible they're horribly funny - by which I mean they're HILARIOUS. They've made an unpleasant media splash protesting at the funerals of veterans, sparking responses from bikers and transvestites, a plot twist I didn't see coming. Frankly. But few things are funnier than to hear Fred Phelps describe his philosophical differences with designers and design-impaired Americans in his own words. I couldn't get past the cheery spinning God Hates Fags satellite before spitting coffee at my monitor, but the blinking Fag Media Shame is just the living end!

Truly, Fred Phelps is one of our finest young comedy writers. For instance, the logo. I thought it said Fag Court 14 as created by a really really straight graphic designer, but no. The upside down flag is like a duvet sewn by a gay, presbiotic Betsy Ross! Oooh! That's a stick figure, sticking out its rump for a sticking, and another stick figure sticking around to do it! Get it? Get it? They're gonna have - can you believe it?! - yucky GAY BUTT SEX! Omigod omigod omigod! I can't look but I can't NOT look! Wait, you look for me! Are they DOING IT YET?

Honestly, when you're that upset that men love men - which is also to say that women who love women may be of some passing, scandalized, prurient, not at all vicarious interest - you don't need a pulpit. You need a date with a musclebound libertine who charges by the hour and - and I can't emphasize this strongly enough - EVERYONE KNOWS IT, MISS PHELPS.



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