Longer Scissors, Sharper Knives

Gerda and I have an amusing ritual our co-workers have been slow to notice.

Tata: Ohmigod, are you still here?
Gerda: I can't stand the sight of you!

And -

Gerda: Must you - like - breathe?
Tata: Must you - like - like?

These scenes play out with snorting, foot-stomping and head-tossing, so it's either way teenage or the Kentucky Derby. The other day, I was standing next to Lupe's desk when Gerda walked by.

Tata: How tall are you?
Gerda: What? About five-five, I think. Maybe five-six.
Tata: Get out! Without the giant shoes?
Gerda: Five-five!
Tata: How can you talk to me with your pants on fire like that?
Lupe: ...that's not nice...
Gerda: What?
Tata: [snort, head toss]
Gerda: [snort, head toss, stomping off]
Lupe: See? I told you she was tall.
Tata: Yeah, I owe you five bucks.

I like to think that in life things happen for a reason even as I go about doing things for no reason other than that they amuse me. Sometimes a news story gives me both.

Portugal fan Orlando Fonseca, 29, was furious to hear crashing, screaming and shouting from Kim Koeon upstairs as his team played Iran.

What he didn't know was that Kim, 30, had fallen through her broken third-floor window and was clinging to the sill by her fingertips.

As Orlando leaned out to shout, she fell - straight into his arms.

Orlando, from Wandsworth, South London, said: "I saw this girl hanging by her fingertips. Suddenly she just let go and amazingly I was able to grab her as she went past. It all happened so quickly."

It's a bloody miracle! The witness provides the punchline. Whatever you do, don't try hearing this in one of Eric Idle's character voices.

Student Dimitris Themistocleous, 19, who saw Saturday's drama, said: "It was unbelievable - like she was a trapeze artist and they'd rehearsed it.

"Otherwise it would have been splat. She'd have died for sure."

It's like I wrote that scene myself. All it's missing is a banana peel and Dawn French.