Sally's Got A New Tattoo
Yesterday, in my office.
David: Where's Lupe?
Tata: I don't know. I turned the corner and she was invisible to me, too.
David: Do you have dibs on her next?
Tata: Can we claim our co-workers? Because if so, I dibs Nina. Hey Nina, this afternoon I'm taking the cat to the vet. Hope you didn't have any plans!
David: I dibs Mathilde.
Tata: Where's my kickball?
In the Good News/Bad New Department, a German man was spared serious injury when he fell off his bicycle and a car ran him over. The bad news is when he got up he weighed 440 pounds.
A 440-pound German man discovered that being overweight can be good for your health - if you get run over by a car.
Police said the extra body mass prevented the 30-year-old man from suffering potentially fatal injuries when a Volkswagen Polo drove over him after he braked suddenly on his bicycle at a crossroads and fell off in front of the car.
"It certainly helped him in this case," said Sven-Marco Claus, a spokesman for police in the western town of Gifhorn on Monday. "Someone smaller would probably not have been so lucky."
Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, where to start? A 440-lb. man on a bicycle? I'm already afraid for his safety. So what happened, huh?
The man dislocated his hip, which local doctors put back in place, but otherwise suffered only scratches and a bloody nose from the underside of the vehicle, police said.
Christ on a cracker, that guy's lucky. Judging by the next item on the page, MSNBC has strong feelings on the subject.
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17 beers a day keep prostate cancer away
Crap, I don't have time for 17 beers a day or a prostate.
Last week, Mom called in a bit of a huff.
Mom: Last night, my friend and I went to see An Inconvenient Truth.
Tata: (spitting coffee) You did?
Mom: It was important we see it opening weekend.
Tata: It was?
Mom: Our male counterparts were unavailable so we just went.
Tata: You did? You know what? I don't sound any smarter. What did you think?
Mom: I want you to see it. I want everyone to see it. It's too important to be missed by anyone. How can we trick your sister into seeing it? Offer to babysit?
Tata: Look at you scheming for the Greater Good! Sure, buy tickets and stuff popcorn in their pockets.
Mom: That Ford Excoriator has got to go! I can't believe they're still driving that monster.
Tata: Mom, Tyler thinks Ann Coulter's misunderstood.
Mom: Then he misunderstands Ann Coulter.
Huh! Look at Mom go! In other news, I have given up trying to think of ways to get my apartment complex to start a compost pile. I'd really like to. I mean, who couldn't use the free mulch? Anyway, I wait until dark and toss aging lettuce into the forsythia below my living room windows and then I feel weirdly ambivalent and carrots would be a dead-giveaway. When I open my bedroom screens to sweep out grime, I feel like Snow White when the groundhog gives me the eye, the birds tweet madly and a squirrel flies in for an up-close-and-too-personal afternoon snack.
Scraps might just add to the confusion.