We'll Be the Pirate Twins Again, Europa
I'm experimenting with a new form of agriculture wherein I plant seeds and keep them wet. Little plants sprout and promptly drop dead. It has been a rousing success. I suspect an international corporate conspiracy to prevent me from having fresh mint.
While I'm demonstrating my special powers of reasoning, let's talk about Me - not just me, but Me. I take visits by Me very seriously because I can be unbearable, and I reward my bad behavior with appropriate punishments. This evening, for example, I went out walking in a sweatshirt so holey it verges on crochet and a pair of blue and green yoga paints so Seuss I should have keeled over from the shame of taking them to a cash register and presenting them to a blue-haired teenager who almost certainly would rather chew off her foot than wear these pants in a closed room devoid of all light. Ever. I knew these pants would be comfy when no one was looking and if I wore them outdoors, the power of nearly mortal shame would propel me around town with impressive velocity. And my plan succeeded until I met a friend on a bicycle.
It is important to remember the little things I do to kick my own ass can injure bystanders. I think one look at me and she sprained something but tears in her eyes told me I'd inspired her - and maybe her riding could be improved through the judicious use of Suess Wear.
I am so awesome. It's coulottes for Me!
Update: Colbert's Word today is Me. It's like he knows!