Your Little Friend the Abject Failure

I am a terrible judge of character. What people do and say confuses me about 90% of the time, which is why I need a translator between me and the rest of the world almost every day; mine has been on vacation for two weeks. Siobhan, that selfish bitch, has been sitting around a campfire in western Pennsylvania, drinking mead and the blood of her enemies, and singing sea chanties with salty dogs, thinking nothing of my needs. When she's come back from vacations before, I've had stories to tell, but she's never been gone this long in our notorious eighteen-year epic. This time, she gets The Odyssey from the Cyclops' point of view.

One of my co-workers came back from his vacation in Missouri and brought Russian chocolates. I'm not 100% certain the chocolates are Russian or that his parents didn't bring them from Tel Aviv. I liked the mysterious box a whole lot. Someone opened the box and we saw these bon bons that bore a striking resemblance to a confectionary version of Sharpei puppies. I demanded Chuan take a picture with his camera phone.

He asked if I wanted a third photograph with my hands doing some Vanna White action.

I thought the chocolates had seen all action they ever should.

My co-workers assured me these chocolates were nutty and delicious. I declined to participate in a scientific taste test because when I eat too much sugar I become the playmate I don't want in my sandbox. And I had lots of phone calls to make because my landlord, which I thought was a pretty decent fellow with an efficient office staff, has filed eviction papers against me.

Yes, you read that right. In mid-July, my bank account had too much money in it. I figured out my rent check hadn't cleared, three weeks after it was due. A friend, who shall remain a lawyer in New York State, said I should stop payment on the check, write another and walk it over to the office, which I did on the 24th. On the 1st, I wrote another rent check, because that's what people with calendars do. Yesterday, I got court papers that said I hadn't paid my July and August rent, written out on the 4th, after the management company had both checks. Today, a friend of the family, who shall remain a tenants' rights lawyer in Middlesex County, advised me there's nothing I can do about this, nothing's going to happen to me and the case will be dismissed. Also: these things gets dismissed on court date, when the landlord doesn't show up. The cases are seldom dismissed in advance, but he said there's no need to go to court. That laissez faire attitude and outcome isn't good enough for me. I'm not a gambler. I'm not betting my domecile that the landlord is too lazy to steal it from me. I need to see it, and I want to see it in writing.

At first, I was sad and upset. I love my little apartment! Now, I'm pissed. Once those papers were filed, they were a matter of public record. There's nothing I can do to expunge them. There was no reason to file them, and the landlord did it anyway.

I'm having some verrrrrry un-peaceful thoughts. Apparently, as a tenant, you have to roll over and let the landlord fuck you this way. I'm not the passive type. When I have a problem, I do something about it, and I don't give up. I've finally made PSE&G see things my way, which took eight months of phone calls. I don't believe for a minute there's nothing I can do. I can sully my own reputation, thank you; I'm not tolerating this amateur attempt to smear me. I want some frontier justice that makes landlords cut this frivolous lawsuit shit right out. So, what will it be?