Then I Break Down And Say
Yesterday, I stood on the threshold of the orthodontist's inner office, determined to make my point.
Tata: Dr. Rivera, it's not you, it's me...
Dr.: Omigod, girl, you are the funniest person I've ever known!
Tata: You've known this day was coming. It's no secret I've been unhappy.
Dr.: I can't breathe!
Tata: Be brave: the braces have to come off.
Linda, his lovely pregnant assistant: Stop it! You're giving me cramps!
Fifteen minutes later.
Dr.: Wait, you're serious?
Tata: Off. They have to come off. Not next month. As close to this very moment as possible.
Dr.: But - serious?
Tata: As a sucking chest wound.
Dr.: You can't leave me - I mean us.
Tata: Darling, everyone wants me back. Because I have no attention span, almost everyone gets me back. You'll be rewiring my retainer in no time.
Dr.: Bite down on this disgusting glop. Come back on the 26th.
Tata: Kek kek kek kek kaaaaaaaa.
Dr.: You'll miss me - I mean us!
Well, I won't miss breathing through my nose while rubbery goo is ossifying into a timeless 3D portrait of my teeth - but hey, if a body turns up in a shallow grave, Dr. Rivera will recognize the tiny gap between those two teeth that just won't close. Even my teeth are spiteful! Even so, I'd heeded Linda's advice and scheduled a cleaning at my dentist's office for this afternoon which coincided unfortunately with a 24-hour knock-down drag out between me and my best friend that we managed to conduct between my appointments.
Siobhan: You insufferable bitch!
Tata: Pot to Black Kettle! Come in, bitchy Black Kettle!
Siobhan: If you never speak to me again, you still won't shut up!
Tata: Hold that thought. Orthodontist appointment.
Siobhan: Kick some ass, sweetie!
For the sake of the home audience: I was completely wrong in this fight, and the wronger I was, the meow meow funnier Siobhan became, but I forgot to ring the bell at the end of Round 1 yesterday and got very busy at work today before I went to the dentist. Then this afternoon, which is to say almost a whole day later:
Siobhan: FINE! I give. Do I need to apologize?
Tata: What? I was at the dentist. You don't owe me an apology for anything.
Siobhan: Did you tell the orthodontist that you were done? You were going to tell the orthodontist that you were done.
Tata: Yesterday, I informed the orthodontist that it was time to remove the braces. The fourth time I said it, the doctor and his assistant believed me. Have I mentioned how fucking sick I am of people not listening to me? I am fucking sick of it. Anyway, when they understood I was serious, they took impressions of my teeth for a retainer, which should arrive in the office on the 24th. I have an appointment on the 26th to have them removed.
Siobhan: Know what would make your life easier? If you could openly carry a gun. Take painkillers before you go on the 26th. Wait, there's more, isn't there?
Yup, because my dentist's office is precise in that when I have a 10 a.m. appointment, my dentist is there, tapping his watch at 10 a.m., so I am never late. This time, my dentist was walking around the office, avoiding eye contact. I should have realized this was my cue to leave, but I am a slow learner. The oral hygienist lumbered in ten minutes later. Anyone else with an ounce of sense would've run from the office, but I love my dentist and would only leave him at gunpoint.
So there I was, and I could see something was wrong with the dental hygienist as I sat down in the chair.
DH: So let me ask you something: what do you do think about a husband who says, "Unless you give in to my demands, our marriage is over." But then I found a note from his girlfriend.
Tata: I think you should divorce the controlling bastard. But without malice.
DH: He wants to introduce our two small children to this girlfriend, who is different from the one he left me for a year ago.
Tata: She's a plot device in someone's Lifetime special. Don't let it be yours.
DH: Okay, but what do you think about my custody thoughts -
Tata: I think I should know your name first. Breathe - two - three - four...
DH: Um, next time you come, you should take a painkiller first.
I'll be sure to do just that.