Say It In Russian

Since I am a genius, I turned myself in immediately. I meant to tell you later won't cut it.

Tata: Hey, guess what!
Daria: Squazibna?
Tata It is early, you're right!
Daria: Cantabuloos.
Tata: So, this morning, I got up and walked to work. Isn't that great?
Daria: Phingapingi.
Tata: My co-worker Hans said in a special Hans voice, "It seems we are aloooooone." So I walked over to the calendar and discovered I was on vacation. I am a genius!
Daria: Get the fuck out!
Tata: That's exactly what I did: turn around and walk home. I'm on College Avenue now. Hey! There's a very old lady walking by Scott Hall in a housecoat and Keds.
Daria: Is she carrying a squid? Because that might prove something.
Tata: I thought she might be a ghost but film students just waved at her. You know, if I were smart, I'd hotfoot it to Motor Vehicles. The car needs inspecting.
Daria: What do you need to go to the office for?
Tata: My license and registration don't match since the divorce and I probably can't prove I'm me to their satisfaction. I might hafta change my name legally to get the car inspected.
Daria: You might...what?
Tata: Listen, I gotta go. I'm walking with an open Ringling Brothers sippy cup of coffee and what's left of my dignity is smoldering.

When I got home, Pete was shimmying into a Jersey Shore Welding Festival t-shirt but, surprised, shoved two hands into one sleeve.

Tata: Hey, guess what!
Pete: Shark Week arrived early? Arrrrrrrrrrr.
Tata: EEEEEEEEEEE! Guess!
Pete: Emeril's recipes don't work?
Tata: Remember when I got up and complained and took a shower and complained and got dressed and complained and walked to work?
Pete: Yeah?
Tata: I complained then too! Then I discovered I'd taken a vacation day to go work at the family store. Now I'm all happy!
Pete: Is it my turn to complain?
Tata: Well...sure.
Pete: Your kittens stole my camo pants.
Tata: Did they frisk ya, too?

Wednesday, my co-workers were very anxious to hear what drew me to our office on a day off, since my actual appearance and disappearance, apparition-like, will be hilarious until I do the next unexpected thing. Also: thanks to the magic of YouTube, I explained log rolling to Mathilde because lumberjack festivals haven't hit it big in Rwanda. So I was a font of experiential wisdom and instructional video. Even so, today is my favorite day this week. Yesterday, I left a message for the Fabulous Ex-Husband(tm).

Tata: Hello, it is I, your ex-wife, though I hope you've stopped stalling and set a date for that wedding. I'd like to be someone's first wife, and we all know how important my happiness is! Step it up, bub! Anyway, the reason I called is Motor Vehicles has certain standards - stop laughing! - and I need to borrow either our marriage license or certificate or whatever you've got. I don't even have a copy of the divorce decree, so unless you'd like to ride shotgun to your local office and swear publicly, "Jesus Christ, wasn't that black hole of suffering and crushing despair enough for one man? Yes, we were married," could you please lend me some documents? Call me back!

This morning, as my boss hinted I should go to Carvel, pick out an ice cream cake and get something written on it - mwah hah hah! - while my co-worker drives getaway, the Fabulous Ex-Husband(tm) also hinted about an envelope I might have received. They've set a date for the wedding where, he said, the place will be crawling with people called Mrs. MarriedName. I'm thrilled! He also agreed to put into the mail a marriage license or certificate or something because he had it handy, since he recently had to prove he wasn't a bigamist. I might get my way at Motor Vehicles yet.

And hey - ice cream!