I've Loved All I've Needed Love

This morning, Pete said, "I've been having weird dreams."

No kidding. I keep waking from dreams in which Morgan, beautifully dressed, smiles at me in my mother's house, descends a flight of stairs, walks out the door and meets his future. It does not occur to me to try to stop him. I wonder again if I will survive knowing he's marrying someone else. When I wake up, I don't think about Morgan because my own life is so full now, but when I dream, he leaves again. And again.

Tata: I keep dreaming about people who didn't love me. Or love me enough. My subconscious is holding a going away party.
Pete: (Thunderstuck) Exactly!
Tata: A Go In Peace - But Please Keep Going Fete. Hey, did these people treat you badly?
Pete: Now that you mention it: they could have been nicer.
Tata: Huh. There should be a clue around here someplace...

We drank coffee and ate fresh bagels on his front porch. Perhaps you recall that I sometimes forget to inhale, which my co-workers find hilarious after I draw that first panic-stricken breath and cough like a giant walrus. I have them trained - I think.

Tata: BARK BARK BARK!
Co-worker: Forget to breathe?
Tata: (wheeze wheeze wheeze) ...yes...
Co-worker: AH! I knew it! Forgot to breathe again. Mathilde, you owe me five bucks.
Mathilde: Merde! Couldn't you have tuberculosis instead?

Anyway, this morning, I remembered to breathe in the middle of a good swig of coffee, which meant the barking had a certain spray quality. I clamped a hand over my mouth and ran for the edge of the porch, where I sprewed recycled coffee into the shrubbery. You went to college. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Pete, who is somewhat used to me now, said, "Breathing again?"

Tata: At last!

Later, I stood on Pete's back porch as he worked on his car. A song has been playing in my head for days, and I hadn't detected the message from me to me. As I stood there in the sunlight drinking coffee Pete made for me, I let the song in my head play, and suddenly, I heard the message:



"I'm happy. Hope you're happy, too."

I burst into tears because I was. Pete turned the garage corner as I was still wiping my eyes.

Pete: Didja choke again?
Tata: No. Not this time.