A Way To Walk That Says

All hail Princess Drusy of the jade green eyes, seen here counting sheep.

Friday morning, I got up with the alarm and padded to the bathroom, where I couldn't lift the toilet lid and didn't know why. When I opened my eyes, I could see a little black cat sitting on a black toilet lid cover, so I relocated said pussycat to the floor and used the commode. Then I did lots of things in my apartment that would have looked much like me holding still and sipping water for half an hour before my shower.

Siobhan: What is it you think I care about?
Tata: Hearing me make porpoise noises.
Siobhan: Two minutes. Go.
Tata: This morning, I found a dead snake and a happy cat in my bathroom.
Siobhan: Imelda, hold my calls.
Tata: Right, so I said, "For me? Oh sweetheart, you shouldn't have!" but it came out, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Siobhan: Christ on a cracker! What did you do?
Tata: I squealed, "Pete, there's a dead garter snake in the bathroom." He said, "How big is it?" and I said, "About a foot." He said, "Well, what are you gonna do about that?"
Siobhan: He's got to know that according to the Boyfriend Rules, Section 6: Wildlife, paragraph 3: "The boyfriend removes non-pet reptiles and rodents from domestic precincts" and he's in violation.
Tata: Yeah yeah, I said, "Omma get some tongs and toss it out the window."
Siobhan: Was there much screaming?
Tata: I'm shocked you didn't hear me in the next town. So I ran to the kitchen for a set of tongs but then I stood in the bathroom, paralyzed with ridiculous fright. Drusy took this opportunity to jump off the toilet lid and roll around on the dead snake, all "Look, Mama, I keeeellt it!" I almost yakked on my adorable indoor predator.
Siobhan: I might throw up for you!
Tata: Delegate that to your intern. So I picked up the snake with the tongs and it was so small it slipped out of the grip. I grabbed it again and kept saying, "Good kitty. Good kitty," but that's not really enough, you know? So I was all, "Pete, at least get in here and play Point & Laugh."
Siobhan: It's like he's not your boyfriend!
Tata: It's like he's the boyfriend who knows I can take care of myself, but you're half-right. Later, I said, "Dude, we have to review our roles in this relationship." He got all, "Oh no! What am I doing wrong?" I said, "Next time I make sounds only bats hear because there's a dead snake on the bathroom floor you better vault out of bed and take video."