Putting My Foot Down

Anger is so exciting, isn't it? It's like your emotional ferris wheel fell off its supports and rolled into the sleepy village, squashing the tiny villagers. And that makes anger scary! Current events give us plenty to be angry and fearful about but now's a fine time to calm our butts down and think rationally. Listen to these reasonable people:

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with.

They're everywhere? Ohmigod!

Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Are they the godless commies in our schools as predicted by McCarthy and Roy Cohn?

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions.

Eeeeek! Oh wait.

We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

Well, that's a low blow. But how will the fruitcakes live?

We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public.

Waittaminit! Aren't yer trouts nekkid?

Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

PROUST! Jesus Christ!

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up.

I'm all a-twitter with - um - tranquility.

We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

Hey! Almost everyone wants that! And cookies!