Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Listen To What I Am Not Saying

Daria calls me at 7:45 a.m. because I've been at my desk fifteen minutes and that's too long. My mind is wandering off. Her calling me is practically a public service.

Daria: So tell Auntie Tartar what you did last night.
Sandro: No!
Daria: You took a shower. What happened in the shower?
Sandro: Nothing!
Tata: He'll make a great co-defendant.
Daria: He was taking a shower and I went upstairs -
Tata: WAIT! I know EXACTLY what happened!

My sisters and brother know I am precisely useless as a babysitter because the moment there's a dirty diaper I'm on the phone with Mom and Dad.

Auntie Tata: You have to come home now. Baby's all yucky.
M&D: We just sat down. We haven't even had girlie drinks.
Auntie Tata: Leave ten minutes ago and arrive now, please. This mess isn't going to change itself!
M&D: Awwww!
Auntie Tata: Woohoo! Got a mop?

And Daria knows the room goes all fuzzy and my head spins when the subject comes up and since she is the younger sister with whom I shared a bedroom until we were teenagers she cannot resist an opportunity to make my head go fuzzy and the room spin. If she had an extra hand and free phone service, she'd leave messages for me all day.

Daria: Changing a full diaper. Knew you had to know -


Daria: Poop! Poop! Poop!

So I know without consulting the Magic 8 Ball what Daria's heading for. The room goes fuzzy and my head spins. I emit little "kek kek kek" noises from the back of my throat.

Daria: So I went upstairs and the room smelled bad. I said, "Baby, what, do you have gas?" He said, "Noooo." So I opened the toilet lid and there was the poop. I said, "Did you poop in the potty?" I was all set to be excited. He said, "No, I put it in the potty." I said, "WITH YOUR HANDS?" And then I had to bleach everything.
Daria: You could see little handprints in the poop.
Tata: I have to go drop dead now.
Daria: I bleached everything last night. Now I have to bleach everything else.
Tata; Waiter...I'll have a Chlorox straight up. Make it a double!
Daria: Yep. The shower curtain's my first target.
Tata: ...squazzbats...

A hair-trigger gag reflex is inhibiting. Someday, I'll be the grandma with a martini in one hand and Ron Popeil's Baby Bott-O-Matic in the other. If I must. But Daria's going to hear all about it.

Please sign the petition, because voting rights shouldn't make you yell for Buicks.

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